What is the funniest religious joke you’ve ever heard?

What is the funniest religious joke you’ve ever heard?
It can be pro- or anti- religion. In fact, it’d be nice to have a mixture of each. Personally, I think Emo Phillips’ joke about the man on the cliff is probably one of the best ever written.

Best answer:

Answer by God is Good!
That Atheism is not a Religion.

Atheists have their churches, creeds, dogma, fundies, missionaries, evangelists and more. Yet some deny that Atheism is a Religion, too funny.

What do you think? Put your answer below.

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30 Responses to “What is the funniest religious joke you’ve ever heard?”

  • IanCorrigible says:

    So this baby seal walks into a club…

    Not religion-related, I know, but I love it!

  • River Euphrates says:

    That Atheism is a religion.

    It’s only a religion if not collecting baseball cards is a hobby.

  • Maurog III says:

    Hmm…

    Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in America?

    A: They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

  • raiyden79 says:

    God Loves you but if you don’t Love him back you will be tortured forever 😉

  • Neuropsych says:

    1 Corinthians 15:36 (New International Version)

    36How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies.

    Did you know that the Bible is loaded with these kind of jokes?

  • TriciaG28 SPL Champions 07/08 says:

    It’s not really a joke, more a statement:

    Jesus is coming!!!

    Look busy!

  • Kevin S says:

    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
    The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
    The third smiled and said, “Ha, I got you both beat. Remember how mother loved to read her Bible? And you know that she can’t see very well. Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”
    Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
    “Adam,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
    “Jon,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
    “Dearest Gerald,” she wrote to her third son, “You are the only one with the good sense to know what your mother likes. Thank you for the chicken. It was absolutely delicious.”

  • mr. right says:

    what is the only type of meat that a priest can eat on friday?

    nun…

  • Sir says:

    Atheists say that there is no God.

  • Invisible Talker says:

    The one about the Catholic, the Pentecostal and the Rabbi who want to preach to bears. It’s my absolute favourite. You all know it. If not, then here goes:

    A Catholic priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains in the same University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

    Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around, so I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb! The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD!

    But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.

    And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s
    and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

    The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

  • Nobody says:

    islam is a religion of peace.
    yeah it explode people into pieces and make people rest in pieces.

  • Peachfuzz says:

    You asking this question.

  • Open Your Eyes says:

    Scientology is a religion…….now thats a joke !!!!!

  • J.P. says:

    Scientology.

  • richter_8_6 says:

    “When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

    Also Emo Phillips. 🙂

  • Jσαииα єνє JPA says:

    Three kids are discussing their religion at school.
    One says, ‘I’m a christian, and our symbol is a cross.’
    Another says, ‘I’m a pagan, and our symbol is a pentacle.’
    The last one says, ‘Well, I’m a unitarian universalist, and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail!’

    …….

    Letter sent home from a third grade teacher to pagan parents

    Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,

    I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don’t take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

    Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the room with her pencil in the air. She says she is “drawing down the moon.” I told her art class is in an hour and to please refrain until then to do any drawing.

    And speaking of art class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawing little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does “skyclad” mean?

    Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waiving it in front of me. I thought this a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal’s Office. She explained to the Principal that she was “opening the circle” to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an “athame” in her hand, that she could put someone’s eye out. I don’t know what an “athame” is, but I’m glad she keeps it at home.

    As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don’t really happen.

    One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense, and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humour.

    One of Aradia’s worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto Others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated that it was “Do As you Will, but Harm None” and she will not stop saying “So Mote It Be” after she reads aloud in class. I try to correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.

    In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

    With deep concerns,
    Mrs. Livingston

    P.S. Blessed Be. I understand this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.

  • Half_Proud_American says:

    Scientology is pretty funny.
    So are fundies.

    And Muslim is a religion of peace is a joke is not a funny joke, because only the fundamentalist muslims bomb places (MUCH LIKE THE CHRISTIAN FUDNIES WHO BOMB ABORTION CLINICS)

  • Sanford says:

    This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

    He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

    Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”

    The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.

    Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

    So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”

    St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”

    “Er.. about two minutes ago.”

  • jdndt says:

    There are these two people a man and a woman in heaven and they wanna get married so they ask jesus to marry them and he says wait a year and come back to me so a year passes and they go back to him he says wait one more year then i will marry you so another year passes and they go back to him and he says i still cannot marry you because all the preachers that are dying are going to hell. Here is another one This blonde dies and is going to heaven and she heres a scream so sh ask god what is that and he says that is a person getting there holes drilled in there head for there halo she says ok so he continues registering her to go into heaven and she hears a louder scream and ask what is that he says there are drilling the holes in the back for the wings she says why dont you just send me to hell he says i do not think you wanna go there cause all they do is gang bang you and get you up the butt she says that is ok i already have two holes for that lol

  • Prof Fruitcake says:

    A Methodist and a Baptist had a head on collision. Both crawled out of their cars, relatively unharmed and praising God. The Baptist’s trunk was blown open and in it was a bottle of Bourbon. They decided to have a drink to celebrate their good fortune. After several drinks and prayers thanking God for their lives, the Methodist noticed that the Baptist had not yet taken a drink. So he reached out to hand him the bottle. The Baptist said, ‘no, thank you,I think I’ll wait til the cops get here’.

  • Mailman Fred says:

    Q. How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the drinks.

  • sparky_dy says:

    A vicar was arguing with his wife …..

    “And now I find out that while you told me you’ve been ‘discussing important inter-faith matters’, you’ve really been out on the golf course with your friends!”
    “They were a Catholic Priest and a Rabbi!”
    “You still lied to me!”
    “I wasn’t lying, darling ….. I was just being ecumenical with the truth, is all!”

  • Captain Klepto says:

    A priest and a nun are traveling together by car. It’s very cold, and as luck would have it, the car breaks down. They walk and walk to the next little town and find a motel, and as luck would again have it, there is only one vacancy.

    They decide to rent the room and just being strong in their faith and their commitment to celibacy. But the nun is chilled to the bone from the walk, and just can’t get warm.

    “Father, I hate to bother you, but I’m freezing, could you get me another blanket?” she says.

    “Sure,” he says, and gets out from under the covers and gets her a blanket.

    She is still freezing. After a while, she again asks, “I’m sorry, Father, could you get me another blanket?” And he does, but he’s trying to sleep.

    A little more time goes by and she is still shivering. “Father,” she whispers, “I know you’re trying to sleep, but I really need another blanket, I just can’t get warm.”

    Trying something else, the priest says, “Sister, would you like to play a little husband-and-wife?”

    Surprised but curious, she says, “Well, sure!”

    Then the priest abruptly rolls over and says, “Get up and get your own damned blanket!”

  • Mark says:

    The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of
    the town tavern.

    “Paddy,” he said, ” I’m afraid I’ll not be seeing you in Heaven
    one day.”

    “Really, Father?” slurred Paddy. “What have you done?”

    Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

    The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”

    The third Catholic woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”

    The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”

    She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God…’.”

  • Valekhai says:

    I agree. Emo’s joke is awesome:

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”

    Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

  • GSinG says:

    The Emo Phillips joke you mentioned remains the all-time winner. It’s funny, it’s intelligent, it has an important lesson in it. Hey, I just realized it’s a parable!

  • ClanMan says:

    A missionary travels to a remote Indian tribe to “spread the word”.

    He talks with the chief about Jesus, telling the chief that if he does not know and accept Jesus into his heart the chief will burn in hell for all eternity.

    The chief asks, “what if I had never heard about Jesus in my lifetime? Will I still burn in hell?”

    The missionary replies, “No, you would go to heaven for all eternity”

    The chief replies, “Then why the hell did you tell me about him!”.

  • misslabeled says:

    Billy Graham dies and reaches the Pearly Gates where St. Peter stops him and says he has to check his list. Graham says, “Don’t you know who I am? You should have the whole committee here to greet me.” Unmoved, St. Peter mutters, “Just a second…,” as he continues to leaf through the list. Just then a petite blonde girl in a short dress and heels saunters up and says, “Hiya Pete!” He looks up and smiles, “Good morning, Miss. Come right in,” and he opens the gate.

    Graham is incensed! He says, “What are you doing letting that little tart in before me, and greeting her so warmly?” St. Peter looks at him and says, “That girl drove a little red sports car, dodged in and out of traffic at twice the speed limit, squealed her tires around every corner, all while texting on her cell phone and putting on make-up.”

    Graham says, “Exactly. Why is she even here?”

    St. Peter says, “Sir, she scared the Hell out of more people in her short life that you ever did.”

  • Gary says:

    A nun is walking through the cloister telling her beads. She stumbles and the beads go everywhere. “Sh*it!” says the nun. She gasps and says, “Oh, f^ck I said sh*t! Oh, sh*t I said f^ck. Oh, well, I always wanted to be an airline stewardess.”

  • CGFE<33 says:

    A man is fishing in a small boat when he hears bubbles in the water.
    He takes a look and suddenly a giant monster type thing jumps out, it looks like the lochness
    monster.
    The man is terrified and yells “Oh God! Please help me!”
    Suddenly everything freezes and a low voice says “I thought you didn’t believe in me” and the man says “yeah well I didn’t believe in the damn lochness monster either!’

    lol
    BTW I’m religious so I’m not making fun of anyone

    P.S
    That baby seal joke wouldn’t be funny no matter who told it, what kind of monster would think thats funny?!?!

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